DAY Three
03-10-2002
1:30pm
Michigan Welcome Center
Somehow when everyone else passed out after the Buddha, our DD managed to drive all the way to Michigan. That was pleasant surprise number one. Pleasant surprise number two was the strange looking stigmata that Dice woke up with.
2:30pm
Michigan Welcome Center
Well, Karma has a way of evening things out. With these two pleasant surprises, came two very unpleasant ones. First, the batteries on the bus were dead. Second, the DD had crashed the bus at the gas station.
4:00pm
Michigan Fracking Welcome Center
After unsuccessful attempts to start the engine by charging the batteries with the generator we officially move into the welcome center, as it is cold as hell in the bus.
Everyone is getting really hungry. No problem. We had packed tons of canned food in the unlikely event that our '62 GMC city bus with unknown service history, and unknown mileage might break down. We had each picked out a meal when we came to the sad realization that nobody had packed a can opener. While half of our party argued with Dice to let us use his new knife to open the cans, the other were trying to figure out a way to contain the blast, if they heated a can on the stove until it exploded. At this point, Tiny, who had wasted away to a frail 285lbs took matters into his own hands. He swung our 36' bolt cutter at a jumbo can of cashews and saved the day.
4:47pm
Michigan Mofo Welcome Center
AAA tow truck shows up to jump the bus. Unsuccessful. We convince the tow-truck guy to drive us to Sears to buy a heavy duty charger and gas for the generator. Done and done at the cost of a carton of cigarettes.
5:00pm
Yeah Yeah
When Dice asks us why truckers keep winking at him, we finally let him in on the joke. Let's look in as he is shown the digital picture of the back of his head. . .
5:30pm
You Know Where
The damn $255 charger is not getting the job done. A sympathetic trucker eyes us greenhorns struggling, and offers a jump. He hooks his huge battery bank directly up to our charger, and blizzow! Engine running! Much props to Mike the trucker.
6:00pm
On the Road Again!
Windsor here we come!
6:37pm
Cracker Barrel!
All the waitresses came out, presented Ruggs with a boa and sang happy birthday to him.
Back on the road.
OH CANADA!!
9:52pm
Canadian Border
The border guards were very cool. They were professional, didn't hassle us too much, and gave us a quick heads up on the laws in Canada that we might not be aware of.
11:11pm
Windsor, Ontario
We were able to get the bus parked in a sweet spot in the middle of it all. Rather than spend our whole week's funds on $6 beers at the strip club, we fire up in the bus.
Cheetas
Strip
Club
Strippy No-touchy
The Dope: This strip club has some gorgeous ladies. But you would be better off to just buy a playboy, and save yourselves from the pitiful help doling out $6 beers.
Chick to Dick Ratio: 2 1:5
Quality of Ladies: 10 Wow. With the exception of a possible transvestite and a Courtney Love wannabe these ladies were beautiful. We were especially impressed with Pasqual, Corrine (Rugg's fav) and Christine (Flash's Lady).
Hospitality: 1 The only reason this club even shows up on the hospitality score board is because the manager allowed us to take pictures after closing time. The bartenders treated us like shit, the manager leered at F&F all night, and gave us a massive hookup with expired VIP passes for the next night.
Overall Score: 4 The only saving grace of this place is the hot babes. For some reason the bartenders are sporting massive 'tudes, and the lap dances aren't for shit.
When we rolled up on Cheetahs we immediately asked for the manager to see if we could take pictures for the website. He said he would call the owner, then was never seen from again, except for the occasional time he popped out to ask F&F to compete in the amateur contest. 7 out of the 10 ladies we saw dance were good looking, but had no clue how to dance or work a crowd. There were 3 that were drop-dead gorgeous and worked the crowd like pros. We got F&F drunk enough to give a girl a bill. The whole damn club went nuts when the dancer pulled her up on the stage. Flash ended up falling in love with a dancer who fleeced him for mighty bones. Everyone who got a lap dance said they pretty much sucked (and not in the good way) unless you buy 3 or 4 in a row. Ruggles had a good time as everyone was keeping him in lap dances and singles for his birthday.
3:00am
Casino Windsor
For some dumbass reason we decided to go to the muthafrackin casino after the strip club. The walking tour there was much more fun than the destination. Much bush diving resulted in AC ripping his jacket.
We were almost to the casino, when the skies quickly clouded over. Inside a huge ball of lighting a Chinese samurai descended to the earth. We thought to ourselves, "What would ol' Jack Burton do in a situation like this?" Then we ran.
At the casino everyone traded their nice American money for that Canadian monopoly money crap. F&F and Primary made the mistake of making fun of the stick lady's "Coming ooooot!" and therefore lost all their money. Ruggs did well and was up $300 at one point. He ignored Primary's suggestion to walk away from the table when the dealer drew a 21 with a 3 showing and . . . lost it all.
4:30am
The Long Walk Home
Having lost all their money 1/2 the party decided to go home. Someone must have moved the bus, because the walk back from the casino was definitely longer than the walk there.
6:22am
The Late Arrivals
Dice, P Ruggs & Tiny finally make it home from the casino. They are loud and annoying as hell. Everyone is already starting to get hung over. Sleep time.
6:24am
Tea, Earl Gray. Hot.
Would you like some hot water with that teabag Mr. Flash?
Day Three by the numbers:
US Dollars Spent on Shitty Lap Dances: 300
Jackets Ripped By Trees: 1
Canuck Money Lost at Casino: 800
Nuts Gently Resting on Flash's Forehead: 2
Additional Pictures From Day Six
