Day Ten

DAY Ten

03-17-2002

6:10am

Petro Truck Stop Glendale, KY

When we fuel up in Kentucky, we notice that two lug nuts are almost completely off the stud. We decide to get them tightened, along with all the other nuts.

After they air wrench our nuts. . .hehe, they give us what could have been a famous last line "These really aren't the right lugs for these wheels, but they should last you to Ohio"

9:07am

Kentucky

Having been back on the road for a couple hours after the truck stop, everyone is passed out. We are awaken by a shudder in the bus, that seems to be getting worse. Dice looks nervously back and yells for Primary. "Dude! There is no shoulder here, but I think we should pull over!" Primary hastily agrees. We pull right up to the guard rail separating our two lanes of traffic from a gorge.

9:10am

Kentucky Highway

Primary, Dice and P step out of the bus to do a walk around, while everyone else is slowly waking up. No one sees anything wrong, until Dice ventures out into traffic to check the left side of the bus. Hearing Dice scream "Holy Shit!" Primary and P rush around the bus. Dice, standing there with his jaw open is looking down at the bus' front left steering wheel.

Primary: "Oh"

P: "My"

Primary: "God"

Of the 10 lug nuts originally on the wheel, only two were left. The two that were left, were a half-turn from falling off. Primary reaches down and turns one of the remaining nuts a quarter turn to the left. It falls off. As Primary sits there looking befuddled, Dice screams "Truuuuuck!"

Primary looks up to see two semis riding abreast, bearing down on him. Primary quickly lays down and rolls under the bus, just as the semis roar by. The vacuum from the trucks rocks the bus. Primary rolls out from under the bus with saucer eyes.

Primary: "Uh. . .we need to tell the guys."

As P, Primary and Dice reboard the bus, everyone is waiting for answers, well, except Ruggs, who is just waking up:

My eyes open still blurry from the deep sleep I was just coming out of. For the past few nights strange dreams had snuck into my psyche, but these dreams were different. I was at sea, on an oversized and undermanned ship. The winds were picking up and the boat began to rock methodically back and forth with the sound of gale force winds roaring by. Every other sway was harder than the last one. I was scared, very scared.

This ship wont last long. Wait...how can I be dreaming if I'm awake?

Ruggs: "Primary, What's going on?"

Primary: "Oh its nothin' we lost all our lug nuts and are on the side of a highway."

Ruggs: "Why are we rocking back and forth then?"
Primary: "That's the huge semi trucks going by us."

Ruggs: "Why don't they just get in the other lane?"

Primary: "Well, ya see, we're broken down just over a hill, by the time they crest it and see us, they don't have enough time to get over."
Ruggs:(looking out window as a semi's side mirror whizzes by about three inches away from the bus) "Primary I promised my mom I'd come home alive."

Primary: "Well some promises were meant to be broken."

10:00am

Kentucky Highway

Primary got on the phone with Q-Fix roadside truck repair, while everyone else discussed our situation. The mood became rather glum while the realization of our near-death sunk in. Everyone turned to Tiny for answers, as he had the most experience with losing wheels while driving. Tiny explained to us, that if we had gone another mile, we would have lost the wheel, and flipped the bus. As if the mood couldn't get more morose, Tiny reminded us that if a wide load came over that hill it would take out the bus.

11:00am

Kentucky Highway

As everybody is laying in the bus, waiting for the Q-Fix truck, and contemplating the meaning of life, Dice shoots up with a huge grin.

Dice: "We almost freakin died! And we still might!!!"

Us: (all frowning) "Don't remind us."

Dice: "No! You don't get it! We all almost died, in a firey bus crash, that's the way rockstars die!"

Us: (getting pissed) "Yeah. . .so?"

Dice: "Dude, this is the clincher for the Road Trip Contest! What other contestants do you suppose came just seconds from perishing in a horrendous bus crash!?"

Us: (jumping up) "YEAH!!!"

11:03am

Q-Fix

Dusty, the hardest man alive, arrives. He takes one look at our wheel and declares "Holy Shit!" seems to be a common phrase today. Dusty informs us that the aluminum wheels on the bus are truck wheels not bus wheels. He can't believe they have stayed on this long. Primary makes a mental note to kill they guy that borrowed the bus for two weeks in exchange for "some killer aluminum wheels."

11:16am

Gettin' to Business

Flash walks up over the hill to try to direct traffic into the far lane, while Dusty gets to work jacking up the bus. The wheel comes off with a quarter turn on the remaining lug nut. Dusty throws it in the back of his truck and heads back to the shop to find a replacement. We down some beers to numb the pain in case we get hit by that wide load.

1:14pm

New Wheel

Dusty, returns with a shiny new steel wheel. Flash returns to the top of the hill to direct traffic, while Dice puts on his day-glo orange shirt to become a human cone. Between Flash and Dice most vehicles get into the left lane, but about one in twenty does not or cannot (somehow it is always a female driver). Whenever this happens, Dusty casually rolls under the bus, then back out to finish mounting the new wheel. When Dusty finished mounting the wheel he pulled out the jack, hiked up his pants, and through a squinty Clint Eastwood expression exclaimed "Man, that always makes my asshole pucker".

2:13pm

Back on the Road

After rubbing our mascot, anal-bead Pluto for luck, we get back on the road, following Rusty to the Q-Fix garage. After we had been on the road for only a minute we passed a sign designating the spot of one of the nations worst bus wrecks in May 14, 1988. Funny thing is, if we had continued on, our bus would have taken out this sign during our crash.

2:27pm

Q-Fix

At the Q-Fix garage, Dusty inspects our other front wheel. He says that while it isn't loose, it wouldn't be a bad idea to replace it too. We ask Dusty to total up what we owe him so far before we decide to do the other wheel.

After all this stress, Ruggs is ready for a smoke.

Dusty comes back with our bill. . .$600 bones. We about collectively shit ourselves. After realizing, it was the only way he was going to get paid, Dusty reluctantly agrees to split our bill up on the 11 credit/debit cards we collectively owned. Even though 1/2 of our party was overdrawn, their debit cards still went through. Ah. . .technology. Being that we can't afford a pack of gum between us, we decide not to have the other wheel replaced. We bid Dusty a fond farewell, then got back on the road.

3:00pm

Heading Home

Everyone is pretty whipped at this point. Dice shits out on driving the last leg by drinking a couple beers at the Q-Fix so Flash picks up his slack.

We crash. . .hard.

6:46pm

Oxford, Ohio

Finally back in Oxford, we take our traditional Vicory Lap through uptown. Laying on the Train Horn and hanging out the windows screaming, we cause quite a ruckus.

We park in Wal-Mart's parking lot to greet our adoring fans.

7:05pm

Wal-Mart

At Wal-Mart, we don our "County Corrections" shirts, and Ruggs puts on his "Corrections Officer" shirt. Ruggs grabbed a shotgun out of one of our parked cars, and marched us out of the bus chain gang style. Needless to say, we get a lot of puzzled, and uneasy looks.

8:00pm

Princell House

When too many people start to take notice, we pack up our cars and head to Primary & P's parents house for dinner. We regale the family with all stories suitable for their ears, while attempting to keep all references to the website of debauchery squelched.

After eating more than we had in the past 10 days combined, it was time to say our goodbyes. After many handslaps, and talks of a reunion tour Ruggs headed off to Cleveland, Clintorious, P and AC off to Dennison, Dice of to Reilly, and Primary, Tiny and Flash to home to crash.