DAY Seven

03-14-2002

11:14am

Bright Household

As if dinner, clean clothes, and real beds weren't enough F&F's mom made us all a killer breakfast. After showering once again in real showers, we drove back to the bus, and were on the road again to the dropzone.

12:27pm

On the Road to Skydive Chicago

There was palpable excitement in the air on the way to Skydive Chicago. Everyone was pumped as hell. F&F and Primary hadn't jumped since an incident at their old dropzone with a dickhead instructor, and the rest of the party had never skydived.

12:35pm

On the Road to Skydive Chicago

We decided to fly the Styrofoam airplane Tiny and P bought, and let the success of the flight indicate how our skydiving experience would be. After the plane was launched out the window resulting in a back-flip nosedive, we decided it had no relevance on our upcoming skydive.

1:00pm

Skydive Chicago

When the bus doors opened at Skydive Chicago, the MaximRoadTrippers ran out of the bus like they were on fire. We were greeted by Kathie a cute redhead skydiver who lives on the dropzone. She sat us down to fill out the liability waivers. The mood quickly took a somber turn when we made the mistake of actually reading the contracts. If AC's parents could see what he signed, they probably would have shit a brick. It basically stated that they could strap an anvil on your back and throw you out of a plane and neither you nor your family could sue them. And if you did sue, not only would you not win, but you will have to pay their cost to defend the lawsuit.

We took all this in stride, understanding that this dropzone is the best equipped in the country, and holds safety as priority one. The fact is, without a waiver like this they could spend years building the most kick-ass dropzone in the world and one tragic accident would shut it all down.

Skydive Chicago 

Dropzone

Jumpus Fallus   

The Dope: This is not a dropzone. . .it is a compound. It is not only skydiver friendly, but everybody friendly. Short of building an amusement park, they have every accommodation to entertain the non-skydiver.

Chick to Dick Ratio: 4 1:1

Quality of Ladies: 8 Even though there were only 2 ladies there, they were hot skydiver chicks who we would follow out of a plane anytime. With all respect to Mr. Nelson, his daughter is H-O-T. She also has major major skydiving skills which makes her aces in our book.

Hospitality: 10 Not only did Skydive Chicago give us a killer group rate, the owner personally gave us a tour of their massive compound. The jumpmasters were excellent to us, and the pilots let us play around on their planes. All in all, a great bunch of people.

Overall Score: 11 Yeah, that's right, an 11. For the same reason The Honest Lawyer got a 10, this dropzone gets an 11. Unrehearsed, and landing out of earshot of each other, upon hitting terra-firma every MaximRoadTripper screamed "Better than Sex!"

Roger Nelson has not only built the best dropzone in the world, but he has made it amazingly non-skydiver friendly. Finally skydivers can bring their significant others/friends/family with them, knowing they will have a good time too. While jumpers enjoy late-model equipment, killer planes, and a great staff, the non-jumpers can enjoy the arcade/pool room, horseback riding, canoeing, weight room, fully-stocked bar, Cineplex, etc etc.

1:59pm

ZZ Top Video

After filling out our waivers, and paying for the jumps we filed downstairs to the training room. Before training, we watched a video made by a lawyer who is obviously a ZZ Top fan. While he told us that Tandem Parachuting was still classified as experimental, he reassured us that it expected to lose its experimental classification by the early 1990's. . .what a relief.

2:34pm

Wind Hold

We completed our 29 minute class: "How to Fall Out of a Plane 101" then sprinted upstairs to get suited up. Unfortunately we were informed it was too windy to skydive. We decided that we would wait a maximum of two hours to see if the wind would die down before we had to get back on the road to St. Louie. We first passed time by watching skydiving videos. This only whet our appetite more.

2:34pm

Wind Hold Continued

After getting our fill of a 5 minute clip repeating 100 times, we decided to investigate the hanger. First we play on one of Skydive Chicago's many sweet-ass Super Otters like it is a $500,000 jungle-gym.

After we get bored with the Otter, we ask the instructors if they can string up Clintorious in the practice rig. They happily agree. Once he is hanging 15 feet up we all grab brooms and proceed to treat him like a piñata.

Finally we get bored enough to test Dice's all-state wrastlin' skills. He takes us all on from biggest to smallest and treats us like his collective bitches.

3:33pm

Wind Hold Off!

The word finally comes. . ."Wind hold off, suit up!" Hooha, we all run over to the prep area and don our gear.

Because only 3 jumpmasters were available, we would go up in 3 loads of 3,3,1. Clint volunteered to be the single in exchange for a free Skydive Chicago shirt.

3:52pm

Load One

Primary, F&F and Dice were on the first load up. While F&F and Primary are experienced skydivers, this is Dice's third time up in a plane. Needless to say, he is a little nervous. Primary is feeling the haven't-jumped-in-awhile jitters, while F&F is tickled pink she is strapped to a millionaire.

Dice asks his jumpmaster to go over the jump about 5 more times on the way up. Finally he just says, "Dude, you're gonna have to push me." We get up to altitude and F&F gets all bundled up for the cold fall. And now, without further delay, the funniest picture of F&F you will ever see. . .

3:52pm

Blizzah!

We're so outta here. . .

4:24pm

Load Two

See ya!

4:50pm

Load Three

Time to take Tara Reid for a ride.

Tiny didn't skydive, but he got to co-pilot the plane.

Despite the fact that the wind hold was lifted, the wind never really died down. By the time Clintorious touched down, it was really gusty. Most of us got another ride after we touched down.

Last man safely on the ground. Excellent.

5:32pm

SkyDive Chicago Tour

After we all get debriefed by our jumpmasters the owner of SDC, Roger Nelson, takes us for a tour of his facilities. After first sampling the 10,000 Watt stereo system in the clubbin-room, Roger took us upstairs to see their movie theater and bar. Then on to where the real action happens, the trading room. Here is where all of this is paid for. SDC has a real-time hookup to the stock and securities exchange. Here they daytrade options all day to pay for all these goodies.

After the hanger tour, we continued on to the back half of the compound.

Between the campground and the hanger is the swooping pond. The pond is fully stocked with huge fish, and surrounded by a two-tier deck. Barbecues around the pond are common on warm nights. A dangerous, but cool looking skydiver trick is to pull a "hook turn" when approaching under canopy to skim the surface of the pond.

There is a river running along the backside of the property. This is a great place to pitch a tent and camp. This river is a favorite for Cabrewing.

After a ton of fun, we thanked Roger, and promised him he would see much more of the MaximRoadTrip bus this summer.

7:02pm

Ponderosa

On the way to St. Louis, Tiny convinces us to stop at an all-you-can-eat restaurant. That being his only qualification, we decide on Ponderosa. We chose poorly. . . 

8:04pm

Sears

With full bellys, we load up the water balloon launcher with yogurt cups, and barrage billboards. After a quick stop at Sears to return the battery charger, we're back on the road. . . 

10:02pm

Truck Stop

Being that the bus' windshield hasn't been cleaned once in over 2000 miles, it was time to give it a good squeegee. In addition to a million bugs, we also discovered a bird squished on the windshield. Everyone was starting to feel a little ill from Ponderosa by now, so we all hit the stop's Steak & Shake for malts. Flash scored the hottie cashier's digits, and he was pretty pleased with himself.

P and Alex tried to clean some of the oil off the back of the bus, with little success. It was. . .nasty.

1:19am

Rest Stop

Tiny's ass is the first to erupt with Ponderosa induced food poisoning. He strongly recommends we pull over at the rest stop, and he runs out holding the back of his pants. As Tiny rushes in, we set up the water balloon launcher.

We quickly set up the water balloon launcher for when he exits the bathroom. When he finally comes out. . .pow! right in the chest with a 30mph water-balloon. Tiny doesn't appreciate the incredible fact that the balloon didn't even pop, as he falls to the ground to weep. He springs to his feet to retrieve the balloon and exact his revenge, only to be hit by wave #2 of the Ponderosa liqui-poo.

2:56am

St. Louis

After many rest-stops to accommodate nine exploding asses, we finally make it to St. Louis.

4:38am

Anheuser Busch

After much after-hours screwing around with the arch, we park the bus in the middle of the Busch plant and pass out to the sweet sweet smell of beer.

Day Seven by the numbers:

Highest Maxim Altitude (ft): 15,000

Fastest Maxim (MPH): 120

Birds Killed By NotoriousB.U.S.: 1

Gallons of Ponderosa Diarrhea: 13

Gallons of Oil Cleaned Off the Ass of the Bus: 2

Tightness of Arch as a National Monument (1-10): 9

Additional Pictures From Day Seven