Day Four

DAY Four

03-11-2002

12:21pm

Windsor, Ontario

Wakey wakey!

12:51pm

Windsor, Ontario

Time to leave our frozen whiz-filled parking lot in search of showers. We had to leave the sewage dump valve open on the bus because we realized we didn't design a way for the piss-water not to freeze and crack the tank. . .d'oh!

12:56pm

Windsor, Ontario

Hmm, not a shower, but definitely a place to stop. You gotta love Canada.

Of course, if you buy too much at The Beer Store, you might end up going home with a Nasty, ultimately resulting in. . .

1:03pm

Refilling Propane Tank

After the titty-cold night in Canada, our propane heater was s-t-rugglin. Time for a refill.

1:16pm

Invisible Lake, Ontario

Pretty much having given up on finding showers we decided to go boating.

1:44pm

Old West

While enroute to a shower facility we drove down a huge hill. On the way down the bus hit 88MPH for the first time, and our flux capacitor started lighting up. The next thing we knew the street was replaced with a dirt lane and there was wooden saloons everywhere. We saw what looked to be a showdown going on, and decided to pull over to investigate. It was a standoff between the infamous Billy the Stuff, and Sheriff Maxim.

"Why don't you skin that smoke wagon and see what happens?"

"Draw. . .punk!"

BANG!

THUD. . ."Noooooo!"

"Why'd ya do it Billy?!"

To the victor goes the spoils.

2:22pm

Back to the Present

After we watched the showdown play out a gray haired hippie offered to help our most excellent crew get back to the present day. We happily obliged, and piled into a phone booth with some most righteous historical figures. A few bright flashes later we arrived back in good ol' 2002. Unfortunately our bus didn't take the trip so well and came out with a god awful paint scheme.

2:45pm

Thrift Store

As broke ass college students it is a moral imperative that we stop at every thrift store.

The new Village People. . .

4:00pm

Showers at Some Ratty Inn

"Would you all mind taking a shower. . .NOW!!!"

6:57pm

Touring Windsor

After showering at the motel Nastyfornia we took the bus on a tour around the city, stopping at the river between Detroit and Canada. After giving a couple passing blondes a 15 minute instructional course on how to push a button, we were able to get a pretty decent group shot.

7:22pm

The Return to Whiz-Lot

After touring Windsor we returned to the parking lot that frozen piss built for a quick fire up. AC and P played shot checkers. . .

. . .while Ruggs leaned on a airplane-liquor sized Champaign bottle.

Clintorious and Primary put on their drinking faces. . .not attractive.

9:29pm

Patrick O'Ryan's

Off to guy-friendly Patty O'Ryans Irish pub.

Patrick O'Ryan's

Beer Pub

Irish Cheers

The Dope: Patty O'Ryans is a quality Irish pub complete with 20some of the finest coldest beers in town. Friendly wait staff and nightly Celtic entertainment. Hit this place up on Wednesday when there is a hilarious Irish entertainer playing dirty drinking songs.

Chick to Dick Ratio: 4 1:1

Quality of Ladies: 5 This isn't the kind of place you go to pick up chicks. You go here to get sloshed and sing Irish drinking songs with your bros.

Hospitality: 9 Jamie, the bar manager asked us if we were going to be in the pub for longer than a half hour. When we replied "yes" she disappeared to the kitchen. She reappeared 20 minutes later with two huge plates of quality fried munchies.

Overall Score: 9 As Primary said "It's like going to grandma's. . .with beer!" This pub made us all feel like we were at home even though we weren't even in our own country. The beer is fantastic, and super cold. Perfect place to take the guys. More stained hardwood than Madison Square Garden, and a truly friendly serving staff.

When we called ahead Jamie, the manager was very honest. She said Monday nights were not very busy there, and we may want to skip it if we were looking for a crowd. P insisted we go, as it is one of his favorite Windsor watering holes. They were about 1/4 full when we stopped in around 9:30. Jamie, the bar manager was super nice, and came rolling out with two gargantuan plates of fried goodies 20 minutes after we sat down. The serving staff here was so accommodating, they will actually feed you!

With all this fine-ass cold beer and fried goodies we decided it was a moral imperative to pick up some Cuban stogies.

It's starting to get ugly in here. . .

A big cheers to Patrick O'Ryans!

Patrick O'Ryan's by the numbers:

Quality Cold Beers: 20's

Free Appetizer Plates: 2

Canadians dissin Maxim: 1

Canadians verbally asswhupped: 1

Cash P blew on Cubans: $128

Overall Score: 9

11:03pm

Off to The Honest Lawyer

As much fun as we were having at POR, our man Jeremy MacRae at Casino Windsor (grrr) told us that we needed to hook up with his man Seth at The Honest Lawyer.

11:09pm

Enroute to The Honest Lawyer

On our way to The Honest Lawyer we passed, what seemed to our alcohol addled brains, to be an adult jungle gym.

11:30pm

The Honest Lawyer

We met Stickle and Ruggs at The Honest Lawyer. They had skipped out on Patrick O'Ryans in order to visit the stripper that Stickle had fallen in love with, and Ruggs just can't get enough of naked broads.

The Honest Lawyer

Hip Watering Hole

The Local Scene

The Dope: We can't really tell you what this place is like on a weekend, but we had an absolute blast on the slowest day of the week, so we can imagine weekends are even better. This is definitely not a cookie cutter local bar with their yards of beer, full-size bowling alley and L-shaped pool tables.

Chick to Dick Ratio: 4 1:1

Quality of Ladies: 7 Super hot Courtney Cox waitress. Monday night is not a great night to rate a pub on ladies, but a decent turnout for the slowest night of the week. When we approached a couple decent looking ladies for a picture they were working on a 3 page document on why they hate men. We backed away very slowly. . .

Hospitality: 11 Seth a.k.a. "Hootie" was the bomb. Our asses had just touched down before they came rolling up with two yards of ale. Toted out shortly thereafter by our babe waitress was huge plates of nachos and wings. Just when we were getting to the bottom of our first round Hootie came out again sporting two of every beer they serve.

Overall Score: 10 We said right off the bat, no matter how good a bar, they would not get a "10" unless someone got laid. Hootie sealed his gold when he introduced us to the local massage parlor.

Hootie took amazing care of us. We were immediately greeted by yards of ale quickly followed by some killer pub grub.

After we finished off a couple rounds Hootie showed us around his bar, pointing out their full-sized bowling alley and L-shaped pool tables.

Hootie hooked us up with some Honest Lawyer beer, with explicit instructions "Do not drink!"

Of course we had to get the local ladies to sign our Maxim.

Deciding it was time to embarrass a local hotshot, Tiny stands on his stool and challenges any man in the bar to a chugging contest. A foolish local accepts.

Big pimpin. . .

At 11:45 Hooty informed us that there was going to be a foxy boxing match at a bar across the street. Primary, Tiny & Alex quickly sprinted over to the bar to get the scoop. While we soon discovered that the competitors wear ridiculously huge boxing gloves, it was still fun to see two chicks wail on each other.

A particular blonde talent quickly caught our eye.

And the winner is. . .

After FoxyBoxing Hootie took us on a quick tour of the area. Some how we ended up at a local "massage" parlor. Feeling tense, Ruggs, Tiny & Pace decided they needed a massage.

While our party's more stressed members got "massaged" the rest of us retired to bus. On the way back, we came across some fellas drag racing in one of the shadier neighborhoods. When asked if we could get some some pictures of the "local flava" for our website, a couple of Latino Leaners shouted "we are not gay". In order to avoid a cap in our ass we quickly explained to them what we were about, and a couple agreed to be photographed.