DAY Eight
03-15-2002
12:35pm
Anheuser Busch. . .St. Louis, Missouri
We fell asleep in a bus, and woke up in Disneyland. The smell of malted hops and barley actually drowned out the smell of bus-whiz running down the storm drains.
After clearing our heads, we realize we won't have time to shower before our encounter with the general public. P introduces us to his secret, the 1000 Elves, and we are on our way.
1:37pm
Anheuser Busch
AB Hooks us up with a private VIP tour and free Budweiser hats. . .booyah! When we are cutting in front of the regular tour, we overhear some folks whispering "That's the Canadian Olympic curling team!". . .what the hell?
Our man Max, is most informative, as he shows us the historic brewhouse.
We weren't allowed to take pictures inside the bottling plant. Our request to put a glove on a bottle and sing the Lavern and Shirley theme song was also summarily denied. The bottling plant was cool as hell. We think we even saw Tiny wipe away a tear. Of special interest to our crew was the laser that etched the born-on dating on the side of the boxes and bottles. We also weren't allowed to take pictures of the 10,000 gallon beechwood aging tanks. Fortunately we were able to score a piece of beechwood which fueled numerous "Is that a beechwood in your pocket. . ." jokes.
Our tour guide, Max, hooked us up with his employee discount at the gift shop. We bought them out. Primary, Dice and Flash bought their fire chief a Dalmatian stein.
Our tour ended up at the Anheuser Busch bar, serving beers born on the same day. We felt kinda bad killing all those newborns. We also got to sample Bacardi's new Silver malt beverage. We all decided that shit would definitely have gotten us laid in High School.
We thanked Max, our most excellent guide, for the tour, and headed off to St. Louie monument #2, the Arch.
4:25pm
The Arch
Security at the arch was tight. Tiny was busted for possession and display of "crack".
After Tiny's crack is puttied up to protect the public we stop at the customer service desk to pick up our free ticket to the top.
Into our egg pods. . .nanoo nanoo.
The top of the arch was tight as balls.
After taking a dozen pictures of the bus from the Arch, we sycronistically ran from one side to the other and got the whole arch swinging. We quickly stopped at the request of an arch attendant. Just one more pic of the bus. . .
Time to go down. Ruggs & AC couldn't make the first load down. This gave them an excellent chance to get an aerial shot of the rest of the crew dropping their pants to the arch. Unfortunately our crack camera men missed yet another once in a lifetime picture.
Going down. . .
By the time the first-down crew got in the bus it was pouring. AC ran up 10 minutes later, and Ruggs sauntered up 5 minutes after that.
A soaked Ruggs insisted that it was a moral imperative to eat some toasted Ravioli while in St. Louis. We happily obliged.
6:31pm
The Pasta House
After driving around for 45 minutes, we finally came upon the pasta house.
Overall the Pasta House. . .sucked! The food was mediocre, our waiter was useless, and the atmosphere was bland. The conversation quickly turned to the most interesting duke we had ever hatched. This encouraged Tiny to move to a private table.
Senior Penis is kind enough to leave the waiter a phat $0 tip.
7:52pm
On the Road to Memphis
Time to roll out. We party like rock starts the whole way to Memphis.
11:00pm
Citgo Station
As luck would have it, we stop for fuel at a Citgo manned by a hottie who likes to party.
Having refilled our inoperable refrigerator/ice box we were back on our way!
11:13pm
On the Road to Memphis
Bumping down the highway, we play every drinking game our 9 person collective conscious can come up with. Drunken songs are sung, and cases of beer are killed.
Whitney Houston's "Queen of the Night" starts blasting, and Tiny's inner woman takes over his body in an alluring belly dance dedicated to the ladies driving next to us.
Somehow, in amongst all the drunken stupidity, someone came up with the brilliant idea to hurl random objects at signs. Unfortunately, the only object that would leave the bus was Primary's shoe. While Tiny lumbered to the door to chuck a beer bottle, he accidentally kicked Primary's left shoe onto the highway. By the time Flash got us pulled over on the side, the shoe was two miles behind us. While we had a marathon runner aboard the bus, in our infinite drunken wisdom, we sent Tiny and Ruggs to retrieve the shoe. They returned triumphant. . .an hour later.
3:07am
Memphis
It is such a drunken brawl on the way to Memphis, nobody thinks to take many pictures. Pulling into Memphis we park to sleep in the parking lot of a sketchy Krogers. After the bus is situated, it is decided that the time has come for the "peanut butter & jelly sandwich." We convince Dice to come out of the bus under the guise of a wrestling match between himself and AC. When AC gets thrown head over heels we all rush in to take down Dice. The duct tape comes out, and his legs are taped together. Tiny sits on Dice, while Ruggs tries to wrestle his arms behind him to be taped. After about 20 minutes of trying to get his arms together, we decide that we would have to break his arms in order tie them together. So everyone drunk & muddy gives up. Luckily Dice had a sense of humor about the whole situation, probably because he knew he had it coming. Time to pass out.
Day Eight by the numbers:
Gallons of Beer in one Beachwood Aging Tank: 300,000
Percentage of the World's Livestock Budweiser's Used Grain Could Feed: 3
Moons Over the Arch: 1
Moons Under the Arch: 5
Total Tips Left at Pasta House: 0
Boobies seen at Citgo: 2
Pounds of Boobies seen at Citgo: 28
Partied on the Bus Like it Was: 1999
Additional Pictures From Day Eight
